I was spending the most of my Sunday in school, doing up the team charter for my LTB. How exciting, I know. But that’s life. At least my LTB group mates are pretty awesome, the only snag being that I get teased a lot. After things were wrapped up,  I decided that I could do with a change in environment (staying too long at a place makes it hard to concentrate in some weird mystical way). Met a friend, had some nice mutton steamboat which was more vegetarian than meat - guys… always ravenous carnivores. we then went over to the Macdonald’s over at Kallang to do some studying. (God, the workload is killing me, right now) Left at about 12 midnight for home.

Doesn’t it sound just like a normal day out? No one would have expected that it would come crashing down moments later, in just a split of a second.

As usual, I was immersed in a whatsapp conversation about my contract law assignment due. I wasn’t really paying attention to the road. Never did, actually. (Maybe that’s why my sense of direction is just horrendous.) I know I felt a sudden jerk while my friend changed lane. Didn’t think much about it, i honestly was just tired and sleepy.

The next moment, a loud bang resonated from the back left corner of the car. It felt like the impact of a tree trunk. Then everything was just a blur. I just remembered my friend saying ‘shit’ and myself getting out of the car. What I did not prepare myself was the scene before my eyes. A girl facing down on the road. A motorcycle on top of her. The other motorcyclist who got up from the ground, started pacing around. There were patches of blood on his face. It felt so surreal in that tiny space of time, as if it were a scene taken straight out of a tv drama or a movie. Then reality hit. I ran to the motorcycle, tried to lift the motorcycle off her. It was too heavy. My friend and the other motorcyclist took over. I tried to dial 995. When it couldn’t get through at first, my hands started shaking. But god was kind, it got through several painful moments later. That’s when i realised i didn’t fucking know where we were. Relying on my friend’s words, i related the best I could to the lady on the line. I could sense my own urgency and incoherence. I remembered pleading ‘please come fast, there’s blood all over. Please, please.’ At that point in time, my friend had already turned the girl over - her face was half in blood. Like a coward, I didn’t take a step closer. I was glued  to the ground, immobilized. The wait, although very short (around 5 minutes or less), felt excruciatingly long. I vaguely remember them trying to talk to the girl, trying to get her to respond. Yet, the only sign that she’s still alive was her rapid gasping of breath and the twitching of her hands. Blood on the ground started spreading. Things weren’t looking good. I didn’t know what to do. CPR came to my mind, but it wasn’t applicable. It was the worse feeling ever - seeing disaster before you and yet not being able to do anything.

The ambulance finally came, and consequently i found out that the girl was only 23 years old. That’s almost like my age. The guilt in me swelled. After the girl (pillion rider) and the guy were sent off to the emergency hospital, my friend and I leaned against the railing and waited. And waited. And waited. As much as i wanted to utter the words “It’d be fine, don’t worry” and  It gonna be alright”, I couldn’t say it because i knew things were not right. It was a mess. What made it worse was that the entire feeling of the accident was so de javu. I had either dreamt of it that morning, or it was a fiction of my very vivid and wild imaginations i encounter sometimes. It made me feel worse.

Until now, i don’t know the condition of the girl.

I can only pray and pray for the best.

hhehe! I realised today that my dad, brother and I have something in common: We love to shop online! Don’t know why but it makes me kinda happy ^^ Guess my spendthrift habits came from somewhere innate :’)

What’s wrong with liking to wear nice clothes and looking good? Makes me happy and even makes my day, sometimes :)

But people always judge. Its human nature to, so i guess it can’t be helped. I do, too. And they perceive my way of dressing as being ‘hiao’, which has a bad connotation. Actually I’m not affected by that. To be honest, I don’t really care. At the least, I have my own distinctive fashion sense that many people lack^^ (Some people just go around shopping and they can’t make up their mind on what they like, AT ALL.). I’m just a lil affected when people go one step further and categorize me with ‘those girls’ who as they say, will never be faithful to their bfs. To be more blunt, a slut. Like…. what!? Please get to know me before you make that conclusion. Just because my clothes showed a little skin? oh, please.

LOOKS are deceiving. Even a girl who looks all that innocent, demure and endearing could turn out a cheating girlfriend. Made that realization a lot recently. That’s all i have to say… now. I’m not going to care what people think of me anymore, as long as I know that I’ve got more brains than them, hehe.

Hello dreams. Why are you always so fleeting, high up, and seemingly unreachable? I dream so much that I’m afraid one day, reality will crash in and shatter that elaborate sculpted masquerade.

When i went for my first day of school this semester, I began to question the path i chose to walk on, yet again. Do I really want to be a full-fledged lawyer and slog my guts off? The countless doubting rendered me unable to think. They’ve been residing at the back of my mind, leaping to surface every time a crack in my resolve appears. And I have to admit - the cracks are pretty often, if not frequent. It would be great if I really knew what I want as my career, but the thing is as simple as it gets - I don’t.

I mean, its not like I don’t have ANY idea. I do. Its just that they are pretty much just unattainable or unsustainable. Here goes: wildlife photographer, fashion designer, interior designer, choosing clothes for people, maybe even a graphic artist. However, these professions are nothing without recognition. And I don’t want to have to make ends meet every month. I guess i need the financial stability - I don’t have enough confidence to take that leap of faith and believe I will do well. Or perhaps I’m just not passionate enough about these aspirations to do it.

Which is why I’m envious of those who are the opposite of myself - brave enough to take that leap of faith to do what they really want to. On just the first day of school, I had a law classmate who was browsing veterinarian courses in Australia. When asked, she told me she really wanted to be a vet, and is considering switching over, because she’s not enjoying law. I think to myself - dear god, ME TOO. But it ends there, because I know I would not step out of my comfort zone if I could help it. My audacity fails in this respect. Sometimes I think myself to be a coward. I console myself by thinking that I have not found my calling. But at the end of the day, i know these are just excuses.

Perhaps in time to come, i would find something I’d like to do, and by that time, I’ve earned enough capital to pursue.

My only true goal in life as of now: Buy a big piece of land in the east, and design my own bungalow :’) I have the walls and windows in my dream house already pictured in my head. I just can’t wait.

Completely ruins your day when you overhear your own mother bitching about you to your brother in just the adjacent room, period.

Now i feel like crying.